It is mankind's greatest blessing and greatest curse that every decision is easier made the second time. I find it interesting where "the world" is headed. The world is a loaded word, a generalization for men in society, white men, American men, because I can only speak for them as far as I see it, and even then, only because I am one; thus, quotation marks.
I think Chuck got it right. We are the middle children of history. We are the the fast food generation. Ours is no noble battle, no fight for some righteous cause. We have no reason to live. At least a few hundred years ago men could still be men. Back then, being a man meant chopping down trees on a homestead to literally build a life for yourself and your family. Back then, your worth as a man was decided by how well you could protect and provide for a wife and offspring. Life had purpose, even if that purpose was simply to survive.
What do men build today? What decides a man's worth? Who do we protect? For whom do we provide? What is man's purpose? Why is the white male alive in America? With the easiness of modern life, what is left to live for? What do men have to value?
I can answer these questions, my religion gives me satisfying and fulfilling answers to all of them. But what do others say? (Take this next part lightly) It seems to me that all men build today are stock portfolios and bigger bank statements and beer guts. Man lives his life in a vain pursuit of what he pictures to be contentment. And for the first time in history, society's structure allows him to get at it. It was originally called the American Dream. But this dream is turning into a nightmare, for what does the white male find at the top of the corporate ladder but another rung? He finds that once he has all the things that he thought would bring him contentment, he still feels an empty bed where contentment should be sleeping soundly.
I once went to a party at a mansion in Alpine, UT. The house was enormous. It had everything. Hardwood floors, a library, a gigantic kitchen, a pool. Literally a modern castle. The owner was some lawyer in his late 50's, divorced, and alone. I later came to learn that he invited various groups of young kids to have parties and hang out there. Other people may have seen this as "such a cool thing" and "so generous," but I left feeling bad for the guy. Here was a man who had "everything": a ridiculous car, a giant house, and a boatload of money. He also had no one to share it with. Here was a man with all the trappings of the illusory "modern contentment" who slept alone in a little corner room of a gorgeous home. I couldn't help but feel like I had been used.
We as humans value that which is the hardest to get. For most people, happiness is hardest to get because they equate happiness or contentment with ethereal numbers, notions of wealth that are assured to you by banks and investment firms. They tell you how much money you have, how much you are "worth", but all those numbers will come and go without you ever setting eyes on them. And one day, one day in the near future, all that will collapse like some laughable house of cards we've built. The banks will tell you that you have nothing. When that day comes, you may find that you have nothing left to live for, and that you have squandered your days in frivolous pursuits. You'll wish he hadn't made the same decision the second time, and the time after that. And for all you who doubt the validity of my words, rest assured, Apple is working on a new iPad. So keep working at that job you hate.
[Keep Following.]
27 July 2011
14 June 2011
The General Rules #6 - Timing Isn't Everything
Yes folks, here is another installment of the General Rules. These posts are about the dating and relationship world, of which I am the uncrowned king. Indeed, my vast pool of knowledge knows no bounds. At any moment in a conversation I will nonchalantly spout some unmatched wisdom about an everlasting dating principle. When this occurs, it is the job of my polo instructor, Stewart, to write down my pontification. The following comes from one such account:
Timing isn't everything. There are literally hundreds of factors that come into play when considering why one should or should not begin or continue to date someone. Timing makes up just a small part of all these factors. This list of factors is a little bit shorter than my arm. (Because I am king, no factor is beyond my reach.) I'd like to list several of the most important factors and ruminate on a few. We'll only scratch the surface of these factors simply for brevity's sake:
1. Chemistry. This might seem like a cop-out because this factor is a broad label for an extremely nuanced subject. I'm not talking about physical chemistry, that comes later. I'm talking about the unspoken chemistry. The straws you grasp at when telling friends how it feels to be around that person. The feelings and impulses that lie just out of the realm of comprehension. These feelings are like repelling magnets, for every step you take in trying to quantify why you may feel a certain way, they push a little bit further away. Trying to describe why you feel a certain way about someone and why is like trying to see an atom with your naked eye. It is there, you know it is. You can feel it. But no matter how hard or how long you stare, you will be no closer to the truth than when you started. But how you feel is so important when making a choice because these feelings are always right, even though they sometimes defy logic.
2. Ideals. Similar world views and standards contribute to feelings of similarity and closeness.
3. Humor. This is the cherry on top of chemistry; the fun in funfetti.
4. Similar socioeconomic status. Women need support. And whether or not they are willing to admit it, they will often choose a boy with more money or money potential over a boy with more chemistry, simply because their instinct tells them that he can provide for offspring.
5. Physical Attraction. This is a more influential factor for men than for women. Men are visually stimulated and will often choose a more attractive girl over one less attractive, even if the chemistry is stronger with the latter. I don't know why this is. Social conditioning maybe. But perhaps it is because we know our offspring have a better chance of replicating if they are better looking. Or perhaps we are just horny and know we won't have the desire to reproduce with a less attractive female.
Again, these are very broad and do not begin to cover all the bases of dating factors. But even if all these factors are apparent in a relationship or potential relationship, the relationship will still sometimes fail. Even if a couple is attracted (and attractive), even if they feel all those unspoken twitterpations, even if they are in love, even if they have the same ideals and religion, even if they are hilarious together, even if they are both wealthy or both poor, relationships still fail. People still break up. Couples are still torn apart. Men and women still stay up nights thinking and sorrowing. Boys and girls still weep. And the lonely still fight constant battles against despair in the confines of the heart. This is because timing isn't everything. It is the only thing.
[Keep Following, my loyal subjects.]
Timing isn't everything. There are literally hundreds of factors that come into play when considering why one should or should not begin or continue to date someone. Timing makes up just a small part of all these factors. This list of factors is a little bit shorter than my arm. (Because I am king, no factor is beyond my reach.) I'd like to list several of the most important factors and ruminate on a few. We'll only scratch the surface of these factors simply for brevity's sake:
1. Chemistry. This might seem like a cop-out because this factor is a broad label for an extremely nuanced subject. I'm not talking about physical chemistry, that comes later. I'm talking about the unspoken chemistry. The straws you grasp at when telling friends how it feels to be around that person. The feelings and impulses that lie just out of the realm of comprehension. These feelings are like repelling magnets, for every step you take in trying to quantify why you may feel a certain way, they push a little bit further away. Trying to describe why you feel a certain way about someone and why is like trying to see an atom with your naked eye. It is there, you know it is. You can feel it. But no matter how hard or how long you stare, you will be no closer to the truth than when you started. But how you feel is so important when making a choice because these feelings are always right, even though they sometimes defy logic.
2. Ideals. Similar world views and standards contribute to feelings of similarity and closeness.
3. Humor. This is the cherry on top of chemistry; the fun in funfetti.
4. Similar socioeconomic status. Women need support. And whether or not they are willing to admit it, they will often choose a boy with more money or money potential over a boy with more chemistry, simply because their instinct tells them that he can provide for offspring.
5. Physical Attraction. This is a more influential factor for men than for women. Men are visually stimulated and will often choose a more attractive girl over one less attractive, even if the chemistry is stronger with the latter. I don't know why this is. Social conditioning maybe. But perhaps it is because we know our offspring have a better chance of replicating if they are better looking. Or perhaps we are just horny and know we won't have the desire to reproduce with a less attractive female.
Again, these are very broad and do not begin to cover all the bases of dating factors. But even if all these factors are apparent in a relationship or potential relationship, the relationship will still sometimes fail. Even if a couple is attracted (and attractive), even if they feel all those unspoken twitterpations, even if they are in love, even if they have the same ideals and religion, even if they are hilarious together, even if they are both wealthy or both poor, relationships still fail. People still break up. Couples are still torn apart. Men and women still stay up nights thinking and sorrowing. Boys and girls still weep. And the lonely still fight constant battles against despair in the confines of the heart. This is because timing isn't everything. It is the only thing.
[Keep Following, my loyal subjects.]
24 May 2011
In Living Is The Very Life Of Life
First, I hate it when my milk decides that it is Shaun White and ramps off the top cereal flake to land all over the counter.
That said, let me continue. My life is a constant battle. But not with anything cool. My enemies are dirt and hairs and disorder. I do epic battle with my apartment on a daily basis. Whether it's the half-full gallon of milk thrown IN THE TRASH CAN, or seemingly endless stream of errant hairs from my roommate-in-denial's head, I'm afraid I'm losing the war.
The Kitchen.
New stains appear on the floor daily from substances unknown. The pile of dishes seems to never end, constantly regenerated by some malevolent force. And no matter how many times I move them to the broken right sink so that I can wash mine in the left, they teleport magically back to the left. The microwave looks like someone deposited a wild chipmunk inside and pressed the potato preset button. Chili explosion. And I have to run the disposal every time I use the sink. I don't know what is being washed down the drain. Maybe chunks of mud. No matter how much I sweep, wipe, or throw away, it comes back the next day to thwart me again.
The Bathroom.
It's like living with an 87 year-old golden retriever with a shedding problem. Except the hairs are longer. And a dog would have better hygiene. My roommate seeks to cover his balding by keeping his hair inordinately long. He does this to great success. If you saw him on the street you would never guess his dark secret. But venture into the bathroom and a scene of madness and bloodshed would break upon you with crushing horror. He doesn't lose tiny, blonde, short guy hairs like the rest of us. He loses 3 inch brown bristles. Not to mention the hairs he intentionally shaves off his face which accumulate in that no-man's-land behind the faucet. Also the bathmat is always on the floor when I walk in, no matter how many times I hang it up after I leave. It is also magic. And no matter how much I spray with the shower head, scrub with sponges, and nag, it is there every morning like some insipid plague. All I can do is chant a chorus of "Damn it, dude!"
The Living Room.
The living room is actually fine. Soooo... yeah. It stays pretty clean. It's actually kind of nice in there.
But none of this changes the fact that my milk has major steez.
[Keep following Lords and Ladies, all.]
That said, let me continue. My life is a constant battle. But not with anything cool. My enemies are dirt and hairs and disorder. I do epic battle with my apartment on a daily basis. Whether it's the half-full gallon of milk thrown IN THE TRASH CAN, or seemingly endless stream of errant hairs from my roommate-in-denial's head, I'm afraid I'm losing the war.
The Kitchen.
New stains appear on the floor daily from substances unknown. The pile of dishes seems to never end, constantly regenerated by some malevolent force. And no matter how many times I move them to the broken right sink so that I can wash mine in the left, they teleport magically back to the left. The microwave looks like someone deposited a wild chipmunk inside and pressed the potato preset button. Chili explosion. And I have to run the disposal every time I use the sink. I don't know what is being washed down the drain. Maybe chunks of mud. No matter how much I sweep, wipe, or throw away, it comes back the next day to thwart me again.
The Bathroom.
It's like living with an 87 year-old golden retriever with a shedding problem. Except the hairs are longer. And a dog would have better hygiene. My roommate seeks to cover his balding by keeping his hair inordinately long. He does this to great success. If you saw him on the street you would never guess his dark secret. But venture into the bathroom and a scene of madness and bloodshed would break upon you with crushing horror. He doesn't lose tiny, blonde, short guy hairs like the rest of us. He loses 3 inch brown bristles. Not to mention the hairs he intentionally shaves off his face which accumulate in that no-man's-land behind the faucet. Also the bathmat is always on the floor when I walk in, no matter how many times I hang it up after I leave. It is also magic. And no matter how much I spray with the shower head, scrub with sponges, and nag, it is there every morning like some insipid plague. All I can do is chant a chorus of "Damn it, dude!"
The Living Room.
The living room is actually fine. Soooo... yeah. It stays pretty clean. It's actually kind of nice in there.
But none of this changes the fact that my milk has major steez.
[Keep following Lords and Ladies, all.]
21 April 2011
The General Rules #5 - Boys Are Dumb
If you are a girl, chances are, you've said this before, "Ugh, like why doesn't he get that I'm just being nice? I just want to be friends and now he is like, totally, all over me." Imagine these sentences interspersed with hair flips and gum chewing and you get the picture. Girls always want to know why they can't "just be friends" with boys. First things first, go watch When Harry Met Sally and then continue reading.
Now I'll tell you, in case you missed the entire point of the movie. I need to tell you something about the male psyche. Boys are dumb. "We consider ourselves low-level superheroes." In our minds, we are the coolest guy we know. We think, "OF COURSE every girl wants to date me. I mean why not? I'm so awesome." And to make matters worse, are always thinking about sex. It's part of our nature. If you've found a boy who doesn't fit this mould, be worried. You may one day find to your dismay that he is in fact an asexual amoeba. The good part about this is that you never have to wonder what we are thinking. Combine this one track mind with the social intuition of a learning-disabled Terrier, and you have an appropriate idea of what you are dealing with.
In fact, the dog imagery works perfectly because it reminds me of an applicable anecdote. I've described our Schnauzer before, so many of you will be familiar with the antics of Schnapps. On this particular day (probably around the year the Spice Girls were getting started) my older sister thought she found out how intelligent Schnapps was. He could understand her! She would talk in cute-dog-high voice to Schnapps and say something like "You wanna go outside?" At which point he would bark and enthusiastically begin to wag his tail. Being the pessimist that I am, I decided to teach Cassie a thing or two. I raised my voice to appropriate cute-dog-high levels and said "You wanna go to the pound and get put to sleep?" At which point he would bark and jump up and enthusiastically wag his tail. I smirked and Cassie sighed, mumbling about how mean it was and began to sweet talk him again. When really this whole time Schnapps was probably thinking "So... I don't get kibble?"
Ima throw some facts yo way: Scientists agree that
55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.
33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice
Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.
The point is, it is irrelevant whether or not the words you girls are saying to us boys telegraph any amount of interest. All we hear is the tone of your voice and the dulcet timbre of your laughter, not the message. Again, you are giving us attention and we are thinking that we are totally awesome, so this equals you like us.
Girl: Haha, I really just like you as a friend! I would never even consider going on a date with you! You should really go away haha!
Boy: .................Ssssoooo, you wanna go out later?
Girl: (Changing the subject) Umm, so how is school?
Boy: It's good. What's your number again?
Girl: I never gave it to you because I'd rather be friends.
Boy: Oh OK............... wanna go out later?
You could be saying the most horrible things, relegating us to the outer circles of your distant acquaintances, and banishing us from any future with you... BUT if you said it in an enthusiastic way, we will still ask for your number at some point. Boys are so conceited as to honestly believe that any girl that even gives us the time of day, likes us. If you talk to us, we think you like us. If you smile at us, we think you like us. If you eat the same breakfast cereal as us, we think you like us. If you walk by us in just the right way, we think you like us. If you make eye contact with us, we think you like us. If you avoid eye contact with us, we think you like us. You could even be talking about your serious boyfriend, and chances are that this "friend" you are talking to is only thinking about the likelihood that you will break up with your serious boyfriend/fiance. He is formulating a plan about how he would systematically swoop in to woo you and win you and bind your broken heart with his strong yet gentle hands. No joke.
Now I'll tell you, in case you missed the entire point of the movie. I need to tell you something about the male psyche. Boys are dumb. "We consider ourselves low-level superheroes." In our minds, we are the coolest guy we know. We think, "OF COURSE every girl wants to date me. I mean why not? I'm so awesome." And to make matters worse, are always thinking about sex. It's part of our nature. If you've found a boy who doesn't fit this mould, be worried. You may one day find to your dismay that he is in fact an asexual amoeba. The good part about this is that you never have to wonder what we are thinking. Combine this one track mind with the social intuition of a learning-disabled Terrier, and you have an appropriate idea of what you are dealing with.
In fact, the dog imagery works perfectly because it reminds me of an applicable anecdote. I've described our Schnauzer before, so many of you will be familiar with the antics of Schnapps. On this particular day (probably around the year the Spice Girls were getting started) my older sister thought she found out how intelligent Schnapps was. He could understand her! She would talk in cute-dog-high voice to Schnapps and say something like "You wanna go outside?" At which point he would bark and enthusiastically begin to wag his tail. Being the pessimist that I am, I decided to teach Cassie a thing or two. I raised my voice to appropriate cute-dog-high levels and said "You wanna go to the pound and get put to sleep?" At which point he would bark and jump up and enthusiastically wag his tail. I smirked and Cassie sighed, mumbling about how mean it was and began to sweet talk him again. When really this whole time Schnapps was probably thinking "So... I don't get kibble?"
Ima throw some facts yo way: Scientists agree that
55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.
33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice
Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.
The point is, it is irrelevant whether or not the words you girls are saying to us boys telegraph any amount of interest. All we hear is the tone of your voice and the dulcet timbre of your laughter, not the message. Again, you are giving us attention and we are thinking that we are totally awesome, so this equals you like us.
Girl: Haha, I really just like you as a friend! I would never even consider going on a date with you! You should really go away haha!
Boy: .................Ssssoooo, you wanna go out later?
Girl: (Changing the subject) Umm, so how is school?
Boy: It's good. What's your number again?
Girl: I never gave it to you because I'd rather be friends.
Boy: Oh OK............... wanna go out later?
You could be saying the most horrible things, relegating us to the outer circles of your distant acquaintances, and banishing us from any future with you... BUT if you said it in an enthusiastic way, we will still ask for your number at some point. Boys are so conceited as to honestly believe that any girl that even gives us the time of day, likes us. If you talk to us, we think you like us. If you smile at us, we think you like us. If you eat the same breakfast cereal as us, we think you like us. If you walk by us in just the right way, we think you like us. If you make eye contact with us, we think you like us. If you avoid eye contact with us, we think you like us. You could even be talking about your serious boyfriend, and chances are that this "friend" you are talking to is only thinking about the likelihood that you will break up with your serious boyfriend/fiance. He is formulating a plan about how he would systematically swoop in to woo you and win you and bind your broken heart with his strong yet gentle hands. No joke.
In all seriousness, if you are even remotely attracted to one another, you can't be friends. Especially since we aren't in high school any longer. Because, to quote Harry, "The sex part will always get in the way." Boys and girls who are friends only hang out in big "friend" groups to flirt with the opposite sex. And maybe to get lucky and find momentary distraction in the arms of another, only to go back to the way things were the next day. If boys want to have fun, guy fun, man-time, we will hang out with guy friends. If girls want to gossip, laugh, and talk, they will hang out with girlfriends. When the groups combine, it becomes mostly about enjoying the sexual tension while participating in some other mundane, time-wasting activity.
Got it? The really pretty girls are cold and calloused to boys they don't know for a reason. They understand that no boy just wants to be friends. And they would rather not deal with every boy they encounter trying to date them. That's why boys apply hurtful labels like "bitchy." We do it because we got our egos hurt, and name calling is our way of putting our tail between our legs.
So the choice is yours, be mean and live awkward-pick-up-line free, or be nice and fend off propositions. If you choose to be nice, don't complain that we don't get it. Now you know.
[Keep following. Also, if you are looking for the General Rules #4, it is still available by request.]
[Keep following. Also, if you are looking for the General Rules #4, it is still available by request.]
28 March 2011
We Are So Small
There are very few things in life that can deflate our egos. This is one of them. There is something about this video that rattles me. One cannot help but cry out for God when watching this devastation.
Humans have an amazing capacity to create. This gives us an amazing sense of accomplishment, as it should. We can build rockets that take men to the moon. We can travel thousands of miles in a flying tube. We can talk to humans on the opposite side of the globe through a handheld device. We are more connected than ever before. We are healthier and wealthier. We eat foods that grow hundreds of miles away. We have a universe of information at our fingertips. We have cured diseases and we are living longer than ever before. Indeed we are creative and resilient.
But all it takes is an earthquake to remind us that for all our creations, we are not powerful. All it takes is for our creations to literally crumble on their foundations around us to remind us that we are still flesh and blood. Still frail and weak. Still tiny.
We can inspire one another. We can overcome the greatest obstacles in our paths to forge peace treaties, to feed starving mouths, to communicate. The human spirit is indomitable. We go on living in spite of fear and terror. We are brave enough to stand for what we believe in. And yet, we still bicker about politics. We bully and cheat. We lust and want. We are prideful, we think that we deserve.
But all it takes is a tsunami to remind us that for everything we are, we are not in control. All it takes is to see the ocean water wash away cars and buildings as if they were grains of sand to remind us that we should change. To remind us that that which we considered important, may not be.
We are so small. God help us.
[Keep following.]
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