The General Rules #5 - Boys Are Dumb

If you are a girl, chances are, you've said this before, "Ugh, like why doesn't he get that I'm just being nice? I just want to be friends and now he is like, totally, all over me." Imagine these sentences interspersed with hair flips and gum chewing and you get the picture. Girls always want to know why they can't "just be friends" with boys. First things first, go watch When Harry Met Sally and then continue reading.

Now I'll tell you, in case you missed the entire point of the movie. I need to tell you something about the male psyche. Boys are dumb. "We consider ourselves low-level superheroes." In our minds, we are the coolest guy we know. We think, "OF COURSE every girl wants to date me. I mean why not? I'm so awesome." And to make matters worse, are always thinking about sex. It's part of our nature. If you've found a boy who doesn't fit this mould, be worried. You may one day find to your dismay that he is in fact an asexual amoeba. The good part about this is that you never have to wonder what we are thinking. Combine this one track mind with the social intuition of a learning-disabled Terrier, and you have an appropriate idea of what you are dealing with.

In fact, the dog imagery works perfectly because it reminds me of an applicable anecdote. I've described our Schnauzer before, so many of you will be familiar with the antics of Schnapps. On this particular day (probably around the year the Spice Girls were getting started) my older sister thought she found out how intelligent Schnapps was. He could understand her! She would talk in cute-dog-high voice to Schnapps and say something like "You wanna go outside?" At which point he would bark and enthusiastically begin to wag his tail. Being the pessimist that I am, I decided to teach Cassie a thing or two. I raised my voice to appropriate cute-dog-high levels and said "You wanna go to the pound and get put to sleep?" At which point he would bark and jump up and enthusiastically wag his tail. I smirked and Cassie sighed, mumbling about how mean it was and began to sweet talk him again. When really this whole time Schnapps was probably thinking "So... I don't get kibble?"

Ima throw some facts yo way: Scientists agree that


55% of the impression we perceive from someone is through our body language.
33% is from the tone, speed and nuance of our voice
Only 7% is from what we’re actually saying.

The point is, it is irrelevant whether or not the words you girls are saying to us boys telegraph any amount of interest. All we hear is the tone of your voice and the dulcet timbre of your laughter, not the message. Again, you are giving us attention and we are thinking that we are totally awesome, so this equals you like us.

Girl: Haha, I really just like you as a friend! I would never even consider going on a date with you! You should really go away haha!

Boy: .................Ssssoooo, you wanna go out later?

Girl: (Changing the subject) Umm, so how is school?

Boy: It's good. What's your number again?

Girl: I never gave it to you because I'd rather be friends.

Boy: Oh OK............... wanna go out later?

You could be saying the most horrible things, relegating us to the outer circles of your distant acquaintances, and banishing us from any future with you... BUT if you said it in an enthusiastic way, we will still ask for your number at some point. Boys are so conceited as to honestly believe that any girl that even gives us the time of day, likes us. If you talk to us, we think you like us. If you smile at us, we think you like us. If you eat the same breakfast cereal as us, we think you like us. If you walk by us in just the right way, we think you like us. If you make eye contact with us, we think you like us. If you avoid eye contact with us, we think you like us. You could even be talking about your serious boyfriend, and chances are that this "friend" you are talking to is only thinking about the likelihood that you will break up with your serious boyfriend/fiance. He is formulating a plan about how he would systematically swoop in to woo you and win you and bind your broken heart with his strong yet gentle hands. No joke.

In all seriousness, if you are even remotely attracted to one another, you can't be friends. Especially since we aren't in high school any longer. Because, to quote Harry, "The sex part will always get in the way." Boys and girls who are friends only hang out in big "friend" groups to flirt with the opposite sex. And maybe to get lucky and find momentary distraction in the arms of another, only to go back to the way things were the next day. If boys want to have fun, guy fun, man-time, we will hang out with guy friends. If girls want to gossip, laugh, and talk, they will hang out with girlfriends. When the groups combine, it becomes mostly about enjoying the sexual tension while participating in some other mundane, time-wasting activity. 

Got it? The really pretty girls are cold and calloused to boys they don't know for a reason. They understand that no boy just wants to be friends. And they would rather not deal with every boy they encounter trying to date them. That's why boys apply hurtful labels like "bitchy." We do it because we got our egos hurt, and name calling is our way of putting our tail between our legs.

So the choice is yours, be mean and live awkward-pick-up-line free, or be nice and fend off propositions. If you choose to be nice, don't complain that we don't get it. Now you know.

[Keep following. Also, if you are looking for the General Rules #4, it is still available by request.]