/the Vulnerable man.

So the idea for this post came from an Alanis Morissette song. Don't judge me.

This Erastus Snow quote helped things along: “If good and evil is placed before us, does not the person who chooses the good and refuses the evil exhibit his agency and manhood as much as the man who chooses the evil and refuses the good? or is the independence of manhood all on the side of the evil-doer? I leave you to answer this question in your own mind. To me, I think the angels and saints and all good people have exercised their agency by choosing the good and refusing the evil; and in doing so they not only exhibit their independence and manhood as much, but show a much higher and greater nobility of character and disposition; and I leave the future to determine who are wise in the choice of their freedom and independence."

I'd like to relate what Erastus said to what makes a man manly when dealing with love. Mr. Snow points out the twisted lie that the devil uses to convince us that any command that God gives us is a limitation upon our agency and somehow restrictive. Satan would have us believe that only when we are rebelling are we truly using our agency. When in fact, the opposite is true. Wrong choices bind us and jail us to the consequences of addiction and pain. Good choices allow us to be continually happy and free from bad consequences. But what does this have to do with being a man?

I want to respond to a cultural current that suggests that all men have to be "tough" and insensitive to be considered "manly" in matters of the heart. Let us think of some of the standard attributes that all men need to have in order to seem like a typical strong man: he must be brave, he must be a leader, and he must be a protector and provider.

First, he must be brave. Like Erastus Snow, I'd like to pose some rhetorical questions: what does it mean to be brave? Is it not to act courageously in the face of opposition? What opposition is there in love? What do men fight against? To be brave in love is not to sit back and wait for love to find us. To be brave in love is to put ourselves out there, be vulnerable, to play the game where our hearts are the stakes. To be brave in love is to play for keeps. Our culture would have us believe that men must be brave in other things and save our courage for other fields. Our culture would have us believe that it is "manly" to not let ourselves be hurt. Our culture would have us take our hearts out of the equation. Our culture would have us stay back from the fight and only enter on terms of complete emotional armor; we are not to have any chance of being hurt. To me, that is cowardly. To me, that is not brave. To me, that is the opposite of masculinity.

Second, he must be a leader. Our cultural standards would have us believe that men must be the aggressors. We must lead the charge. We must escalate. This is all true. It is our job. The problem is that we don't do it. Our charges are feints, our forays distractions. We are so hung up on being strong that it makes us forget our responsibilities. We can't possibly be bold, for therein lies the possibility of being hurt, and to be hurt is to be weak. And we can't have weak leaders now can we? Really it is those that lay wounded and dying that have exhibited their manliness and done their job, not the cool and emotionally detached onlooker. To lead is to be in the mix, not watching from afar.

Third, he must be a protector and provider. What does the emotionally invulnerable male protect but himself? What does he provide but misery for those who would be with him? True masculinity means getting out there and finding someone to protect and provide for, no matter the cost. And make no mistake, the cost is emotional hurt. We need to change the roles of men. We need to be more like the romantics. We need to write poetry and pursue unrequited love and do whatever it takes, and women and men alike must come to see this for what it is. Not weakness. But strength. Determination. Leadership. Fulfilling our role as protector, as provider. Alanis said it like this:

You, with your eyes mix strength with abandon
You, with your new kind of heroism ...
This is a thank you for letting me in
Indeed in praise of the vulnerable man

Now, if men start doing these things and putting their hearts out there, and start becoming emotionally available it becomes the job of women to "...vow to be true / ...vow to not take advantage." Reward rather than punish men for this new found heroism. Don't be callous. Don't be cold. See his actions for what they are. Let them become admirable in your eyes. Praise the vulnerable man. He might be the manliest man you know.

[Keep following and I'll tell of the time my sister's ballet instructor hit on me.]