A Girl's Guide To Tinder (Tips & Tricks)

Let's be honest. You're on Tinder™. If you aren't actively using Tinder™, you know someone who has tried it. Chances are, by the time you are done reading this blog post, ten people have died while using Tinder. My name is DJ, and I'm addicted to Tinder.

Just in case you have been living in North Korea for the last year or two, Tinder is a social dating app that uses your geographic location to match you with other Tinder users (hereafter known as Tinds). But you aren't matched using any sort of "Personality Profile" or "Dot-matrix Love Algorithm" or even similar interests, eg. Farmer's Only, or Black People Meet.

No. Tinder is a different animal. The only "matching criterion" used is location. So, this means that you sign up, write a very short blurb, and choose some selfies out of your selfie library. And then you will start seeing selfie after selfie of the opposite sex. (Or not, I get an astonishing number of dudes that have "mislabeled" themselves as girls. Or they did it on purpose. Which, hey, I totally get because gender is a fluid concept now. No judgement.) But either way, when you see a person's selfie you can either swipe left if you don't think they are attractive, or swipe right if you do. Or you can tap on their selfie to read their blurb and see a couple of different selfies. And if that other random Tind happens to also swipe right on your selfie, you are officially MATCHED. Which, I was about to say sounds like a Young Adult Paranormal Romance Novel, and then I looked it up and it totally is.

The nice thing about this is that you know that the other person thinks you are attractive so it is really easy to talk to them. Wrong. No one ever communicates afterward. Which is telling, because you'd think that once the superficial barrier has been overcome, it would be easier to be yourself and talk to someone. But not so. I think Tinder must be leading to many existential crises when Tinds are faced with the mirror of their own crappy personalities. Some people may have become so accustomed to their good looks filling in all the initial blanks when dealing with the opposite sex, that when it comes down to it, they realize the only thing they have left to offer is idle chit chat about the weather, and the latest episode of the Kardashians.

Now before you get all indignant and say, "BUT DJ THAT IS SO LIEK SUPERFICIAL OMG!!!!!1! I WANT PEOPLE TO GET 2 NO ME B4 THEY JUDGE MY LOOKS!" And in response, let me tell you that Tinder is honest. It is probably the first dating service, or app, that isn't wrapped in a ball of pretension and lies. Oh, eHarmony might try to sell you on some magic formula that they have figured out to marry you off to your soul-mate in 10 minutes, or Jdate may try to lure you in with all it's rabbinic promises of geschnitten schmekels, but at the end of the day, you aren't going to date anyone you aren't attracted to. And if you do use one of these miracle services, you might even end up with a fertummelte shlimazl. No amount of chemistry can overcome the brick wall of repulsion. Plain and simple. There is very little pretense with Tinder. I've used that word... there is no... deceptive veneer of "compatibility factor."

Tinder is awkward. It's infuriating. It's hilarious. Sometimes it's sad. And it is always a blast. Everyone starts using Tinder as a joke, but everyone is half serious. You can tell by the fact that every other profile here in Utah Valley says that they are doing this "as a joke" in their About Me section. Which brings me to the focus of this blog post.

Here are some tips for the ladies on using Tinder:

TEXT TIPS
1. Don't put "I'm doing this as a joke! :):):):):):)" in your About Me section. It's not funny, it's not a joke, and... no you're not. You're vain and shallow like the rest of us and you are dying to know who finds you attractive. Things ABOUT YOU go in the ABOUT ME section. I understand that it is hard to sum up all of your wonderful personality traits in one tiny little blurb. If you can't think of anything, just give us raw data. Many men will like that. Or better yet, leave it blank. Go for mysterious. Let us find out the details later.

2. And another thing. Don't write, "I'm hilarious" in your About Me blurb. No, you're not. By writing that, you've automatically labeled yourself as the most unfunny person in the universe. I can at least give a little nod to the ones who try too hard to be funny and it just falls flat. But don't do that either. Honestly the funniest one I ever came across was this nice-looking, classy, dressed up girl and all it said was "butt." I died. But then again, I'm the lowest common denominator, so don't do that either.

3. "I like laughing, traveling, and eating!" Yeah. So does everyone. LEFT SWIPED. You may as well just tell me you have a face. If you told me you hated all those things, I would still swipe left, but at least you would have listed unique things about you. Show, don't tell in your writing.

4. Don't pander to your audience. Examples: "I love (fill in the name of sports team)"; "I'm just one of the guys!";  "If you don't like sports, we won't get along!"; "I love hunting and fishing and camping and riding motorcycles and making sandwiches and cleaning and action movies..." Oh, and what do you do for a living? "I'm a model." One of these things is not like the other. Sesame Street. I call your bluff. If you like boy stuff, tell me you have a Star Wars toy collection and Anderson Silva is your favorite UFC fighter. That's how you show it. Otherwise I think you are making stuff up. Oh and PS- You don't like guns if some bro let you shoot his AR-15 one time a few years back, even if you have photos to prove it. Which brings me to:

PHOTO TIPS
1. If all six of your pictures are group photos, you must not understand what is happening here. Let me break it down. Nevermind. See paragraph three. Listen, I'm not a high-functioning sociopath with a talent for deduction. I don't want to have to "figure out" which one you are. I'm John Watson. Just tell me. Can we just do away with the whole trail of breadcrumbs thing going on here? If I encounter this I'm just going to assume you are the one with the mustache in all the photos. And then swipe left.

2. You're not fooling anyone if all of your pictures are ultra close-ups of your face. I'm going to tread lightly here because I know it's a sensitive issue. If you are a plus-size girl, you are not doing anyone any favors by being so deceptive. Own it. Be the app. You are you, just post normal photos of you from all different angles. And hey, you know what? If someone doesn't like you, you'll never even know! If they do match with you, great! Then you already know that your size isn't an issue. After all of that, if you are still self-conscious, just delete the app. No one will ever know and you'll probably feel relieved. I hope that was tactful. Honestly. As a side note, I'm pretty impressed with how many professional selfie photographers are out there. Girls have this technique perfected where they can make themselves look like a set of ten different people using lighting, make-up, backdrops, costumes, CGI, and filters. It's astounding.

3. Don't post six goofy pictures of yourself. Or six professional photo shoot pictures either. Or six blurry smudges. Or six of the same duck face in different outfits. Or six car selfies. Or six weird, avant-garde shots of your toe and random items strewn around your room. Keep it simple. Smile. Use variation.

4. Alcoholic binge pictures. Now I don't drink, so I need some help on this one. Is this attractive to men who do drink? If one of your pictures is you chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels, is that attractive? I honestly don't know. I guess some dudes want to date Ke$ha, but no thanks. Also, cool it with the cleavage. We get it.

And please, for the love of Gary, be yourself. Unless you are just on Tinder "as a joke" then by all means, be someone else. Because you irritate me.

*DJ bows and and gracefully descends from his soapbox*

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