The Upside Of Unfairness

Personal tragedy has a way of tunneling our vision. Our feelings, though poignant and deep, may not always be reliable--especially the negative ones. External events that are out of our control beg us to ask the victim's question, "why me?" I have come to realize that that is a self-defeating question. You are setting yourself up to be a victim. And there is no answer to this question. At least not at first. There is no way to answer that question using reason or logic, because rational thought almost always wants us to understand the world in terms of fairness and equality. But the longer we live, the more we come to observe that fairness (the way we see it) is a pipe dream.

We don't understand what fairness is. I don't know where our lopsided notion of fairness comes from, but often, our idea of what is fair is anything but fair. We want constant happiness for ourselves at the expense of others. We selfishly think that we deserve only good things to happen to us. Too often in our lives, the only things that we label "unfair" are the negative ones. But how often do we think, "this just isn't fair!" when something good happens to us? In our egotistical, selfish mindset we think that when something good happens to us that we did something to deserve it. So according to us, all negative events are undeserved. I don't mean to suggest that all the trials in our life come as a result of something bad we did, or as punishment because of bad karma. I just think that we need to remember that good things are often undeserved too. Good things are sometimes unfair.

Rather than being depressed by this all-encompassing view of fairness, there is still hope. Emerging science suggests that only 10% of our overall happiness level is determined by the external events of our lives. The other 90% is made up mostly by how we choose to react and genetic factors.

This suggests that we never have to be victims of circumstance. We always have a choice. Always. External events, good or bad, can never take away our right to choose. Whether you see the ability to choose as a natural inherent human trait or a God-given attribute, nothing can violate that simple truth. Nothing anyone does can take away your ability to choose. Excluding extreme circumstances, when something outside our control happens, we essentially have the choice between three reactions: react negatively, react positively, or run away. (Although, running away or doing nothing are essentially negative choices because they will leave us woefully unprepared to deal with the next set of negative circumstances that will arise in our lives as a natural result of living in this imperfect world.)

We can either see ourselves as unfortunate victims of our lives and other people's choices, or we can make the choice to smile, be happy, and continue pressing forward. This is surely the harder way, but it will always be the better way. In church we call it agency; it is the ability to act as agents unto ourselves. Still it remains that we can either act or be acted upon. When we are acted upon, it is essentially a call to action.

You are not a victim of your life. Bad things happen sometimes. But they never take away your ability to choose how you will react. Never say, "I can't help the way I feel." That is a lie. I can say this because I have experienced what it's like to make the harder choice, and it works.

In the LDS world we say, "there must needs be an opposition in all things." And in the secular world they call it Newton's third law of motion. Whatever you decide to call it, by the simple fact that you exist, you will experience hardship. You can be sure of it. This is of necessity. You have to have dark to see light, taste the bitter to know the sweet, and feel terrible to know joy. Without opposition, life would be a sterile experience, devoid of... well... anything. So if some soul-crushing trial comes your way, take heart. For so it was with all the good people who have ever come before you. Put the 10% in its place and use your ability to choose to be happy. It won't happen overnight. You are allowed some time to wallow in self-pity. But don't make it a pattern, because you never know when you will experience the upside of unfairness.

[Keep Following. I know, I know... where are the funny posts? "Patience, precious. Patience..."]