I've Put This Off For Far Too Long

Yes folks, it's time for a post about the gym. Over the last 9 months, my attendance at the gym has been somewhat religious. I'll give you the good things about the gym before I rip it a new one. The gym is a wonderful place to listen to new music you have recently purchased. I love that I have a solid 45 to 90 minutes to listen to music with (almost) no distraction. I love that everything is simple inside those doors. It's simply you vs. you. I'm weird: I use the push doors when I enter and use the automatic doors when I leave. It's not an OCD thing, I just feel like it's a little test. I'm not an angry person, but the gym gives me an excuse to grit my teeth and grimace. I love the endorphin rush. I love the feeling when I leave--that slow ache that seems to settle in my bones tells me that I won.

Now, on to the... other stuff. First, the music. Who really wants to hear recycled Beyonce and Britney Spears when you are trying to get pumped up? I'm pretty sure the only thing playing the Macarena will get me to do is leave. It's a good thing they don't let you cancel your contract because playing Call Me Maybe three times an hour might do it. Some people think I'm listening to my music loudly so no one talks to me, but it's really to drown out the latest pop star singing about how "wide awake" she is. That's cool. I just woke up an hour ago.

The drinking fountain is a persistent source of annoyance. Water-bottle guy I swear if you fill up your gigantic bottle in the higher of the two fountains one more time I will punch you in the ear. You realize that you are inconveniencing everyone who is taller than a Hobbit for the next three hours while you fill up, right? You are putting your "I'll drink it later" water needs above those who need a drink now. Use the shorter fountain. Trust me, your arms will reach. But even worse than than water-bottle guy is gallon-jug man. Are you really going to drink an entire gallon of water at the gym? Are you training your bladder as well? This isn't the Mojave Desert, I think you'll make it without your emergency preparedness kit.

OK Johnny Gym, I understand you've got a routine to do, but you can't do a circuit of ten machines during peak hours. It's funny because your chest looks like Arnold's but your legs look like Twiggy's. And your half-filled water bottle and dirty towel on the floor next to a machine is not an appropriate way to save your spot. I understand that you have an IQ smaller than your flat-brimmed hat size, but this isn't second grade, you don't get machine-backsies. And don't ask if you can jump in between my sets. The answer is no. I don't ask people on treadmills when they are done, I just wait my turn. I'm not going to ruin your pump if you have to use another machine first. If I wanted to be close enough to you to share sweat I'd ask for you to meet me in the sauna.

The locker room fills me with dread. Without fail I walk in and the first sight I am greeted by is the grisly visage of a naked, wrinkly old man. Listen, I get that in the barracks in boot camp before World War II you all walked around naked, but this is peace time. Time to start fighting the Cold War with a towel around your waist. Also, don't perform your entire morning routine in those sinks. I'd like to wash my hands without seeing your dried toothpaste, black hairs, and shaving cream. I don't know if anyone has told you, but that is what your bathroom at home is for. And just once I'd like to walk into the bathroom without one or more of the stalls being occupied by a dude taking a sit-down. If you are working out so hard you need to take a bathroom break, it's time to relax. It happens so much that I assume that this is what is happening, or else Gold's Gym is paying someone to make sure no one spends too much time in the locker room. Or perhaps it is the cheapest theft-deterrent they can find.

But the most redeeming thing about Gold's Gym in Orem is Zumba lady. Every gym has at least one. If you haven't personally witnessed her "unique" routine I would highly encourage you to join the gym just to see her. I'm glad you curled your hair before you came today--you are way more aerodynamic? I literally laughed out loud yesterday when I saw her. It was dangerous, I almost fell off the treadmill. She has headphones probably blaring Ricky Martin's greatest hits as she does her own routine in front of the mirrors. Classic.

It's a crappy photo but it gives you the idea.

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