Lately I've been reading some self-help books, old journals of mine, and inspirational quotes. And I've noticed a peculiar vein running through most of them. If you could distill the messages in all of them down to a single sentence, it would be: the only thing you can control is yourself.
This is interesting because it seems so self-evident. It seems like a trite platitude at first glance. I just imagine some valley girl from the nineties sassily exclaiming, "DUH!" as she twists some pink gum on her finger. But like most cliches it is so obvious that we forget it as soon as we hear it, and then go about our lives trying to control everything except for ourselves. We get frustrated about hitting red lights, birds pooping on our newly-cleaned cars, getting stuck behind the old woman at the grocery store who still writes checks, and people just disappointing us in general.
This asinine behavior vindicates itself especially in times of emotional trouble. When lovers leave, when family goes astray, and when things wither and die are the times when we try to grip the tightest. But we find quickly that the harder we squeeze, the quicker things fall apart. And then we beat ourselves to a pulp for not controlling something we had no control over in the first place. So label it a self-evident, trivial platitude all you want, it bears repeating--and often.
The next thing I noticed is that our ability to internalize this obvious truth is tightly linked to our self-worth. Usually those who have made their peace with that phrase can feel alright when everything is going wrong. Those who have learned that they can only control themselves through soul-wracking defeats are the calmest when the tempests of life swirl around them. On the other hand, those sad people who vainly think they can have the slightest control over anything outside themselves are the first to fall to pieces.
This is because they associate their worth as an individual with how "put-together" and "perfect" their lives are. It is possible to live under this delusion for small periods of time. When things are going according to our best-laid plans, we are apt to think that things are going right because we willed the outside factors to be arranged just how we wanted. But eventually our plans will come up against something we cannot control. And those who associate success and self-esteem with their false sense of control will crumble. Those who instead turn inward and work on themselves and on their own behavior, realizing that that is their only true choice, will rise above their tribulations.
This problem happens most often with others' freedom of choice. And this most often in love. When we not only love someone, but absolutely require them to survive, we are essentially building a giant house of control-cards. The problem with this (beside the obvious reason) is that whether or not that house stays up isn't completely up to you. When it falls, it won't matter how quickly you can grasp at the fluttering cards.
We must separate our self-worth from outside sources and learn through internal observation what makes us wonderful. The nice thing about accepting this platitude is that the more you control yourself, the better you will feel about you. Yes, I realize this is hard. If it were easy everyone would do it. Overcoming yourself is the hardest thing you will ever do.
In closing, I've found that most of the time, life is a series of acts of letting go.
You're welcome. You don't need to go to that Tony Robbins seminar anymore.
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