Angry Faxes

Some of you may not know this but I write angry letters pretty often. Sadly, it's a dying art form. Just the other day, I was about to write another letter in a long string of strongly-worded letters to Beyonce for not releasing an album in a long time. After page 53, my hand started to cramp so I decided to check my email, and what pops up? A little ad heralding the arrival of Beyonce's fifth album. Which she released without any press. This I can only attribute to my letter-writing. She must have felt compelled to go against the advice of her press agent and release the album prematurely due to my persistence. You are all welcome.

But my letter writing is starting to take up too much of my time, so I've decided to start faxing my threats, complaints, and grievances. I'm using all the time I've saved to fill up my medical oxygen prescription that I got to counteract Utah's haze problem. I have also begun using this time to hone my Parcheesi skills for the upcoming worldwide semifinals. This change has occured because one day while writing a letter to 'annah Montana I figured, "This is 2013! If only there were a better way to communicate using the power of electricity! One that could send messages instantaneously while still retaining a personal touch. If only such a device existed..." So I did a Google search and it revealed that a "fax machine," invented in the late 1970s, will do exactly that! My search also uncovered this revelatory piece about this machine's power and effectiveness:

http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/20/world/asia/north-korea-threats/

Problem solved. Now I fax all the time. I send angry faxes, I use them to catch up with distant acquaintances (catch-up faxes), I even ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut last week (pizza faxes). It was easy, I just typed out my order on Microsoft Word and taped a Jackson to the paper to show them I'm legit. And it has certainly made my life easier. I feel a Parcheesi championship coming my way.

But seriously, can we talk about North Korea for a second? I laughed hysterically when I read this article. I'm sure there is some reasonable explanation as to why they did this?, but it is still funny to think about. Some secretary for Kim Jong Un types out this pompous little message on official letterhead and then walks into the war room and waits for the modem to fire up. They are about to start the transmission when they realize no one knows the phone number for South Korea's Ministry of National Defense. So a secretary has to run to his desk and back to fetch his address book and then is taken outside by the utility shed and shot for his incompetence. The air gets a little stuffy while all of the highly decorated generals stare at the official Honorable-North-Korean-National-Pride-Fax-Machine while it beeps and boops and slowly scans the page one line at a time. But the page jams halfway through so they have to start it over. They do, and finally the fax finishes so they can all leave, but not before some soldiers take the Honorable-North-Korean-National-Pride-Fax-Machine out back by the utility shed and shoot it.

Actual Scenario Depicted.

Then Bob, who works in the South Korean Ministry of National Defense walks by the fax machine in the office three hours later and happens to notice they got a fax. He casually picks it up and puts it under the file that he is reading and goes back to his desk. Another three hours later he finally gets to it, and brings the coffee-stained paper into his boss' office. "Hey you better have a look at this, Larry," Bob says. Larry nods and waves him away and then goes home for the day. The next day, when it is finally discovered what has actually transpired, they write their response and, not to be outdone, they fax back AND wire message their own response.

So, what is the lesson to be learned? If it's good enough for Koreans, it's good enough for me.

PS - Go check your fax machine. You may want to prepare yourself for my forthcoming righteous indignation fax.

[Keep Following.]

Snowfall

I've been told that all snowflakes are unique, under a microscope

But that night all I could see were billions and trillions of the same--

All tumbling stumbling chaotic individuals desperately searching for their place

So much the same in their uniqueness

All stand-outs in a crowd, singing so loud they muffled even city-sounds

So unique that no one bothered to hear another
Pleading as he died upon my finger

[Keep Following.]

I Opt-In For Porn

I've said in the past that I would do my best to prevent my blog from getting too political, but there has been a disturbing trend that I've noticed on my friends' social media accounts. Many of them are posting links to this petition:

Require ISPs to Make Porn an Opt-In Feature

Not only is this petition pointless (other than perhaps being able to give yourself a high-five for having high morals), this is disturbing to me because it highlights a fundamental lack of understanding--not only about the function of government--but about freedom and morality. And that is why, as much as it pains me to say, I opt for porn. Before you get your indignant little typing fingers ready, finish reading this post.

First, I cannot fathom why so many people trust the Government to get involved with legislating the internet in any way, shape, or form. Think about it. This is the U.S. Government we are talking about. The same Government that robs you on a daily basis, kills innocent people abroad, violates rights held sacrosanct by the very documents that led to its inception, and can't even design an effective website to facilitate a much-lauded transition into socialized healthcare. And your plan is to allow this Government to start regulating what you can and cannot see on the internet?

Never mind that such a petition might well allow the government to start invading the last bastion of free speech, we all know from experience that if the Government actually got a hold of the aforementioned power, it would surely end in a debacle. The US Government is unfortunately the reverse King Midas of doing anything beneficial. But, you say, "Porn is wrong! Why should I be subjected to possibly seeing it? We legislate other things that are morally wrong, why not this?"

This leads to my second point, morality is something that should be taught in the home, not enforced by the Government (taught by force). Meaning, if you think pornography to be reprehensible, teach your children and others about its follies. Educate yourself, be proactive, donate your money to awareness campaigns. You have the right to do so. You are free to do so. But unfortunately the same freedom that allows you to stay away from pornography, also allows other, equally free citizens to voluntarily produce and view pornography. That is true freedom. Anything else is veiled oppression. This might be inconvenient to those with strong senses of what is right and wrong, but freedom is, and always has been, a two-way street.

So it is with free speech. Which is exactly what protects pornography. The first amendment wasn't created to protect slogans on the side of cereal boxes. It was created to protect that which is unpopular, as well as everything else. By protecting everything, no one is oppressed, and we are allowed to choose what we want to look at and read and listen to, even if it is unpopular, especially if its unpopular. And thank God for this, because it is this same reasoning that allows me to practice my religion according to the dictates of my own conscience, and for everyone else to do the same.

Consider the implications of the government trying to legislate according to moral beliefs. Since no two people have the exact same moral sense, who then should the government listen to? And how does one prove that a certain way of thinking is superior to another? But as I think about it, this is not a hypothetical, many of the most heated debates in Washington are about moral issues that should not even be discussed, but at some point in the past the Government over-stepped its bounds and we are now dealing with the fallout. But I digress.

Finally, some may have bristled when I called the petition pointless. But it remains true. This petition is pointless because porn is already "opt-in." Very rarely do I accidentally see pornography on the internet. If something suggestive appears that you didn't click on, close it. My petition (as well as yours) should happen with your index finger clicking that little 'x' in the corner. And it is not as if every webpage you navigate to has half the screen taken by naked women, if this were the case I might see the point in such a petition. And if there are naked people on your screen, you are visiting pornographic websites. In case you didn't know. I also have the AdBlock add-on for Google Chrome and I have installed K9 Internet Filtering. It is a free program that filters your internet locally; there is absolutely no need for the Government to get involved.

Saying that you need the government to babysit you and your children is exactly the kind of attitude that has gotten us to this point. Take the initiative. You are not a victim, and government is not the solution.

If three wise monkeys can do it, so can you.

[Keep Following. And maybe you'll learn something.]

Mr. Universe

Very few people can say they helped Mr. Universe. I am one of them.

I was a missionary once. I had the pleasure of meeting a man named Jusup Wilcosz. He lived in the 38th story of a run-down apartment complex in Stuttgart. The hulking man carried himself gingerly. He wore baggy sweatpants and spoke with a deep, booming voice. He smelled of alcohol most of the time. I guess you could say teaching Jusup was one of my own Book-of-Mormon-Musical moments when I learned that some scars are too violent for my sunny and simple understanding of the world to repair. Some sicknesses go too deep for words to mend. Some pains take root within the soul, and there they stay, compressing the conscience like a slow-turning vice. What could I do for this man? I was naive. I was young and inexperienced in the ways of the world. What could I offer him that other sources couldn't?

A signed copy of his book called "Was Bleibt?" He wrote Keep on pumping! at the bottom.

Now, some are inclined to criticize the LDS Church for expecting all worthy, healthy young men to serve missions. Many see this as oppressive, restrictive, and unnecessary. I didn't know it at the time, but my experience with Jusup was one that would change how I viewed my "job" as a missionary. Coincidentally, this also made my mission something that I would never regret or exchange for anything. I now understand why the church expects this from the young men.

Jusup's apartment was dirty. It was littered with stacks of papers filled with his curling, heavy handwriting. He would always offer us milk or tea or water and would sit across from us sipping his milk from a tiny tea cup that looked even smaller in his massive hands. Jusup has lived more than most people ever will. He would often speak of his glory days while leading us around the cramped space and showing us pictures of him lifting weights. His obvious favorite was a black-and-white print of him and Arnold Schwarzenegger training together. Speaking of these times would bring a broad smile to his face, (never mind the drops of milk suspended in his beard).

Arnold and Jusup doing what they do best.

Perhaps what makes Jusup's story so tragic is that Arnold Schwarzenegger's success stands as a constant reminder of what could have been. That differing trajectory must bring him constant torture. Jusup began lifting weights competitively in the "golden age" of bodybuilding. A list of his achievements and titles can be found here. After several injuries, his career began to fall apart. At the same time, his best friend, Joseph, betrayed him, took his successful gym away, and stole his investment money. Soon after, his wife got cancer and died. Jusup suffered a nervous breakdown and had to temporarily enter a mental institution for delusions and suicidal tendencies. He quickly went from Mr. Universe to destitute. He learned in a dramatic way that muscle doesn't make you invincible.

Fast-forward twenty years. As often happens when one hits rock bottom, they find God waiting. Some may argue that it is weakness and desperation that leads people into believing in God, but I believe that that is how God intended it to be. That humility leads to inner strength and conviction. For all his accomplishments, Jusup wasn't as strong as he thought. My companion and I made earnest efforts to get him to stop drinking and come to church with us. But it seemed for every step forward he would take, he would then take two steps backwards. But I loved him in my own way. I could never be angry with him for his apparent lack of progress, and eventually it became comforting to me just to hear him say that it did him good to meet with us. And that became enough for me.

My companion Elder Norris and Jusup in his apartment.

He would often say that he considered killing himself but that he was too much of a coward to do so. Perhaps that "never give up" attitude that led him to the world title twice is what kept him from ending his life. It broke my heart to see someone who was so successful fall so far. He never even saw it coming. But he is a hero to me. His name will always stand as Mr. Universe in 1979, 1980. Despite his success and failure, he is one of the kindest and most humble people I have ever met. And it might be cliche, but Jusup helped me as much as I helped him, if not more. And maybe some people don't need "saving" in the sense that we often think of. I know that God knows Jusup, God loves him. The real Mr. Universe is watching over his son.

If I brought some small measure of comfort to a broken, hopeless man, then my job was done.

[Keep Following.]

I'm not narcissistic enough to believe that Mr. Rogers reads my blog from wherever he is, but on the off chance that he does, I'd like to thank him for this quote:

"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it."
 -Fred Rogers

PS- This dog can skateboard. If how much fun he is having doesn't make you smile, there may be something wrong with you. I just wonder what he thinks he is doing...

[Keep Following, Neighbor.]